THE STRANGEST FIC I HAVE EVER WRITTEN IN MY LIFE
by Gaia Storm
Summary: Um...lets see. Tamora Pierce characters at a disco, a first-time appearance by the infamous Mr. Afro Dude, living Clue characters...what can I say? I accepted Lyra's challenge. May the Goddess Tammy forgive me.


Author's Note: This is in answer to a challenge from my friend Lyra

Author's Note: This is in answer to a challenge from my friend Lyra. She challenged me to "Write a fanfic using any Tamora Pierce characters, including gods, goddesses, and enemies. It has to be longer than 10 paragraphs (each paragraph as long as my index finger, right, Lyra? *Grins wickedly*) Make it as silly/stupid/pointless as possible. Don't use any of my own characters, but I can use characters from other books, movies, etc, etc, along with things." Ok, Lyra, here's your challenge. I won't let it turn into a DDA, I promise. If it does, you can slaughter me. Keep your butcher's knife sharpened…

Author's Note, Again: I don't own Tamora Pierce characters, Green Army Men, the movie "Tremors" or it's quotes, "Braveheart" quotes, Superman, "We Like to Party" or the Vengaboys, "Cotton Eye Joe", "Jaws" quotes, "P.U.N.K.S." quotes, Weird Al Yankovic songs or quotes, the Chicken Dance, the waltz, the Hokey-Pokey, break dancing, Ring Around the Rosie, the Woodbury School Olympics, the Scrolling Marquee screensaver, Harry Potter characters or objects, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, "Ghostbusters", "Jumpin', Jumpin'" or Destiny's Child, Clue, "Footloose" or Kenny Loggins, "Seasons in the Sun" or blink-182, "Robin Hood: Men in Tights" or it's quotes, but, I do kinda partially-own the idea of Mr. Afro Dude, though I do need to give credit to Brook, because he is the *actual* Mr. Afro Dude. And if he ever reads this, I swear to the Goddess I'll kill myself. LYRA, DON'T LET ALEX SEE THIS! But, see, Mr. Afro Dude *isn't* my own character, because he isn't a character in the first place. Hehe…Guess who found a loophole! Anyways…Lyra, here's your challenge. May the Goddess Tammy forgive me.

WARNING: I WAS EXTREMLY HYPER AND SUGAR HIGH WHILE WRITING THIS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. J

THE STRANGEST FIC, TAMORA PIERCE OR NOT, THAT I HAVE EVER WRITTEN IN MY LIFE

Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau woke up to sounds of shouting. She couldn't make out much of anything, except for cries and shouts for help. She raced downstairs to find water covering the ground floor of the palace.

"Help!" Someone shouted. "Shark! Get out of the water!" Alanna decided that being eaten by a shark might just be fun, so she jumped in, giving a battle cry.

"You can take our lives, but you can never take…our freedom!" She shouted, doing a cannonball. "Ahhhhhhh!" She screamed. She Superman-ed out, and found herself in a small village known as Perfection, Nevada. It was in a desert, and the population used to be 14, before it was attacked by giant underground worm-monsters. Suddenly, she heard a rumbling.

"Hey, look at this! I found the ass end! We really caught something here!" She heard someone with a western accent shout. She turned, and he was pointing at her butt. Suddenly, he transformed into a giant worm-monster. "I will get you! I will get you!" The giant worm shouted, then became an alien. "Take me to your leader!" After that, it became her friend Raoul. "Come on, Alanna, let's go home." He said, and she followed him to where there was a hole in the ground. There was a sign next to it, with an arrow pointing into the hole. On the sign, there were eight words written. "Look! Someone finally dug a hole to China!" it read. They jumped into it, and found themselves in a strange place. A sign said "Winding Circle". Four teenagers walked around the corner, then began to multiply before Alanna's eyes. When there were about one hundred little teenagers, they all turned into plastic Green Army Men.

"Code Red! Move, move, move!" One shouted, and they surrounded Alanna and Raoul. The place called Winding Circle melted around them, and the Tortallans found themselves in a disco. There were colored lights everywhere, along with strobes, disco balls, black lights, mirror balls, and the occasional stoplight. It looked like a chameleon on a sugar high. "We Like to Party" by the Vengaboys was playing, and Alanna saw many people that she knew, and some she didn't. Daine and Numair were there, doing an old fashioned waltz to the disco music. Jon was dancing with Thayet, pretending that he was at an actual disco. He was doing the whole point-your-finger-up-then-down-diagonally thing. Gary was dancing solo, and it was obvious why. In the words of Weird Al Yankovic, "You are the real Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say". Raoul instantly went off and started dancing with Buri, and they both started doing some sort of strange Chicken Dance to the disco music. Their voices carried over to Alanna, and she heard them singing:

"I am not a chicken,

And I am not a duck,

So kiss my butt!"

*Clap-clap, clap-clap*

Alanna couldn't help laughing. She looked over, and saw the four teenagers from the Winding Circle. They were laughing and yelling each other's names: 

"Briar!"

"Sandry!"

"Daja!"

"Tris!"

They were suddenly joined by four adults, called Lark, Rosethorn, Niko, and Frostpine. Alanna looked across the room, and saw Keladry of Mindelan dancing with both Nealan of Queenscove and Cleon of Kennan. They were so busy doing the Hokey-Pokey that they didn't even notice her laughing and staring. Finally, she spotted George break dancing. He saw her, and did the caterpillar over to her. He stood up. 

"Alanna, babe, play Ring Around the Rosie with me!" He shouted, the grabbed her hands and started swinging her around in a circle.

"Ring around the rosie,

Pocket full of posies,

Ashes, ashes,

We all fall down!"

They sang, then George started teaching her how to break dance. A few minutes later, the room cleared as "Cotton Eye Joe" came over the speakers. Only then did the Tortallans and Emelans notice who was dancing in the center of the room. The Great Mother Goddess and Mithros were holding hands and dancing to "Cotton Eye Joe". One foot forward (one, two), one foot backward (one, two), one forward (one),one backward (two), up to the left (one), up to the right (two), turn in a circle, switch feet, do it again. They were dancing in perfect rhythm with the music. After all, they were gods. It was then that Alanna got a real shock. During the last verse of "Cotton Eye Joe", doors opened along the sides of the disco room, and the floor was suddenly filled with hundreds of male African-American midgets with afros. 

"We are the Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes! The Mr. Afro Dudes!" They shouted, then all moved to the center of the room, where they all merged together, to form a normal-sized teenager. He smiled, then began shouting again. "I am Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude! Mr. Afro Dude!" He stopped, then screamed, "I AM MR. AFRO DUDE! YOU WILL ALL BOW DOWN TO ME! I AM MR. AFRO DUDE! YOU WILL ALL LOVE ME! YOU WILL ALL ACCEPT IT AS I STICK UP MY MIDDLE FINGER WHEN YOU TRY TO TAKE MY PICTURE! YOU WILL SAY NOTHING! YOU WILL ACCEPT WHATEVER I SAY, WHATEVER I DO, WHENEVER I SAY OR DO IT! I WILL ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE FINGER WHEN YOU STICK A CAMERA IN MY FACE! AND YOU WILL NOT CARE! YOU WILL PUT IT IN YOUR WOODBURYSCHOOL OLYMPICS PHOTO ALBUM ANYWAYS! AND YOU WILL LOVE ME! I AM MR. AFRO DUDE! YOU WILL PUT MR. AFRO DUDE AS A SCROLLING MARQUEE ON YOUR SCREENSAVER! I AM MR. AFRO DUDE! YOU WILL LOVE ME!" Suddenly, he stopped chanting, and hopped onto a broomstick that materialized in mid-air. "Let's play Quidditch! I'm Harry, I'm Harry! I get to be Gryffindor's Seeker! I'm Harry Potter! Let the Bludgers go!" Two black balls started zooming around the disco room, and both hit Mr. Afro Dude at the same time. Right before he fell off his broomstick, which was now about 100 feet up, he yelled "I'm ok! Don't worry, I'm ok!" Then, he fell, but he didn't hit the ground. Two huge wings grew out of his afro, and started flying him around. "I'M MR. AFRO DUDE!" He screamed, and the wings disappeared. He fell down to the ground and landed on the eight people that had come from Winding Circle. "Oops. Sorry. I wanna do that again!" He wailed, and turned into a gigantic Pillsbury Dough Boy. A Pillsbury Dough Boy with a huge black afro. "Hahaha!!! I will get you! I will get you!" He screeched, then the four guys from Ghostbusters came in through the doors.

"Let's blow it up!" One yelled, and they turned their guns towards the 

Mr. Afro Dude-gone-Pillsbury Dough Boy. They shot, and the disco room was suddenly filled with Pillsbury Dough Boy guts.

"Hey!" Mr. Afro Dude shouted. "You ruined my disguise! I shall have to stomp you!" He shouted, and grew 500 feet tall. He stamped his foot down, but the Ghostbusters guys had scattered. One aimed his gun, and shot Mr. Afro Dude in the foot. "Owwie! Owwie! That hurt!" He wailed, and sat down and started sucking his thumb. "Jumpin', Jumpin'" by Destiny's Child was playing on the speakers now. The last guests of the night were finally arriving. The doors opened again, and emitted Miss Scarlet, Mrs. Peacock, Mrs. White, Mr. Green, Colonel Mustard, and Professor Plum from the game Clue.

"Swear to the Goddess that I saw Mrs. Peacock kill Mr. Boddy in the Billiard Room with the Knife!" Mr. Green shouted.

"No she didn't! I saw you kill him! You were in the Hall, and you did it with the Revolver, Mr. Green!" Miss Scarlet said.

"Uh uh! Mrs. White did it! In the Kitchen, and with the Rope!" Colonel Mustard yelled.

"I don't think so! It was Professor Plum in the Study with the Candlestick!" Mrs. White shrieked.

"No! He was killed by Miss Scarlet in the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe!" Mrs. Peacock yelled.

"You all have it wrong! Colonel Mustard did it in the Ballroom with the Wrench!" Professor Plum shouted. They continued to argue like this, until Something entered the room.

"You are all wrong! I am the ghost of Mr. Boddy! I committed suicide with a Billiard Cue and a Basketball in the Backyard! Hello! Get it right!" The Something shouted, then evaporated. The Clue figures looked at each other for a shocked moment, then continued their bickering. Mr. Afro Dude stood up, and started throwing a temper tantrum.

"He hurt my foot! He hurt me!" He shouted and pointed towards the Ghostbusters guy. "Owwie! He hurt me! Kill him!" He yelled, and no one did anything. "Humph!" He muttered, then sat down on the ground. "Footloose" by Kenny Loggins was now blaring, and people were starting to dance again.

A/N: Ok, I'm out of ideas. It's almost midnight. I've been typing for a long time. Oops… I didn't exactly split this into paragraphs, but it would be longer than 10 if it *was*. See, Lyra? I was good and I didn't turn it into a DDA. Congratulate me! Yay! Now, to finish the sequel to The Children of Claw…

A/N, Again: Wasn't that just pathetic? Lyra, you can give me any more of these challenges if you want to, that was the most fun (funnest, ok? I don't give a shit about grammar right now!) thing I've written in a very long time. I liked writing a fic where nothing *had* to make sense. It was a refreshing change. I welcome more challenges like this. E-mail them to me at [dolphyn396@mediaone.net][1] and put FF.N Challenge as the Subject line, ok? Thanks, lol. How pathetic am I? Very very very pathetic. Yes, very very very. Hehehehehe! That was fun! I'm hyper! Hyper! Hyper! Hyper! Hyper! Do I need to say it again? No, I didn't think so. HYPER! Hehehehehehehehehe!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!

"We had joy,

We had fun,

We had seasons in the sun!"

~blink-182, "Seasons in the Sun"

"From this day forth, all the toilets in this kingdom shall be known as…Johns!" ~Patrick Stewart as King Richard in "Robin Hood: Men in Tights". 

   [1]: mailto:dolphyn396@mediaone.net



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